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Talking to and dealing with cult members:
Guidance for friends and family

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The following information is intended as a quick reference guide.  You know your friend or family member best so be cautious applying any general advice you read and adapt this appropriately to the situation and temperament of the person you are communicating with. ALWAYS seek the advice of emergency services if you suspect there is a serious crime being committed or somebody is at risk of serious harm.

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It can be very distressing to see somebody you care about entangled in a cult group.  Below, you will find some brief notes on how to communicate with and support a cult member.  This is only general and basic advice and may not work in every case but could be a good starting point.  

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The first thing to do is research cult psychology and their group in order to develop an understanding of the following elements.  This will help you make sense of their behaviour, make better decisions to support them and plant ‘seeds of doubt.’

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  • Thought reform theory and how cults generally manipulate and entrap people.

  • The philosophy this specific cult and how it controls.

  • The corrupt practices/controversies associated with the cult and it's leader

 

You may find that there are times when the cult member is open to discuss the group and during these times, planting seeds of doubt and gently pointing out where reality isn't matching the teachings, or hypocrisy in the group, may be helpful to them.  The goal of these conversations isn't to win an argument, it's to help the cult member reflect on their group and activate critical thinking in a safe interaction.​​

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Often the most effective way to approach these conversations is with...

  • Empathy

  • Honesty

  • Gentleness and concern

  • Patience

  • A non-judgemental attitude

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You are trying to create an emotionally and psychologically safe connection, so you become the 'go to' person when they have concerns about the group and need somebody to talk to.

Try to...

  • Keep in consistent contact with the member via email or telephone, even if there is little response.​

  • Express sincere and unconditional love for the cult member, being empathic, non-judgemental and kind.  Become a safe person for them to share concerns with.​

  • Keep a diary of comments, attitudes and events associated with their life in the cult, and keep all evidence (e.g. emails and messages).  It may be useful later on.​​​​

  • Keep a record all names, addresses and phone numbers of people linked with the cult.​

  • As much as you are able to, try to bite your tongue if the cult member makes unkind comments, arguing can sometimes make things worse and push them further into the group.  Additionally leaders may use this as a reason to encourage them to cut contact with you.

  • Do seek help from organisations specialising in counter-cult work and read books related to cults, mind control and the specific cult. The more knowledge you have, the easier it is to make good decisions and understand what is happening.

  • If you are able to, discuss an escape route with the cult member, so they know they have options. 

  • Where appropriate, try to be welcoming if the member returns home, this will help with their recovery.​

  • Connect with people, gather allies.  Some families have found it useful to find ex-members of the group for support and enlist friends to help with research.​

  • Consider enlisting the help of a person the cult member respects, as sometimes using a different person to raise concerns can be effective.​​

  • Try to accept that there may come a point where there is not much else you can do.

  • ​Get legal advice where appropriate. ​It can be very helpful to understand laws around coercive control, modern slavery, fraud and other crimes relevant to cult behaviour.​​​

Try not to...

  • Avoid rushing into adopt a potential solution before carefully researching the cult problem.

  • ​Avoid the phrase, “you are in a cult, you are brainwashed.”  Cult leaders have often prepped their followers for this accusation and this is sometimes used to reinforce their teachings.  Additionally, it can make a person feel humiliated and this humiliation can be used to draw them deeper into the group.​​

  • Avoid giving money to the member, it is likely they are being financially exploited and the money will go straight to the group or leader.​

  • Avoid giving away original cult documents to anyone, provide copies only.  Evidence may be very important at some point.

  • ​Try not feel guilty.  This is not a problem caused by families.  Cult members are groomed and recruited into groups and their techniques work on anybody.​​

  • Avoid becoming angry or hostile towards the cult member, antagonising them, ridiculing their beliefs, or being confrontational. This behaviour may increase the risk of isolating them even further  and pushing them deeper into the group.​​

  • Try not to isolate yourself.  Supporting somebody through this can feel alienating and strange.  Finding people you trust to talk to is often essential for coping with what is happening.​

  • Try not to underestimate the control the cult has over each member or how malicious they can be.  Avoid antagonising the leader.  They don't always retaliate, but it may be worth reflecting on ways to keep yourself safe (E.g. speaking to your employer in case the cult leader makes false allegations against you).​​​

  • Try not to neglect yourself.  This process can become all consuming and it's common for a person's self care to slip whilst trying to support somebody exiting a group.​

  • Sometimes, it's good to try and avoid using the word 'cult' when contacting non-cult professionals for support.  Often the word has too many unhelpful connotations.  Words like 'grooming, coercive control, exploitation, modern slavery, scam, etc.' are often much better received, even though they describe the same thing.

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